llile:

i’m in the confines of an invisible circuit leading me this way and that way
i have dreams of being dragged through woods towards a future as clear as water and i’m running away from it
i’m running away from comfort and i’m running away from security
i’m running away from light and running straight into the darkness
because it makes me feel alive it makes me feel anything at all
i want the unknown i want adventure
i want to feel so hard every heart beat shakes every hair on my body
i’m looking for the magic and adventure this world can’t give me
and there’s a voice in my head continuously telling me off
how dare you ask for more
you’ve got a house and food and family and friends an education and money and you are still not satisfied
you want more
you want everything
the world can’t give you
if you were lying in the freezing cold in the middle of winter
you wouldn’t want magic
you would want nothing more than warmth
stop being so unsatisfied with the world and have another drink
pretend it’s the last one you’ll ever have
and stop denying that your need for magic
is a need for another heart 

llile:

My hand doesn’t say hold me in bright bold letters like it used to, it’s still there but only faintly now, it would rather stay by my side than wonder towards someone else’s. See I’m on a path of self love and I’ve never felt better in this cocoon I’ve made myself, I’ve built a house in my head and I paint trees and deers and birds on it’s walls, I paint words and sentences like, I like how your humour never seems to falter, it claws at the ground and blows ghosts away. I have realised self love is the greatest gift you can ever give yourself and when you’ve learned to love every one of your nooks and crannies nothing and no one can tear down your doors and smash all your windows in. My skies are clearing and my mind is clearing and even when 3am creeps up and my eyes are still wide awake, wanting to stroke a hand that needs as much stroking as mine, there is a voice in me that says when the sun comes up there will be people waiting to talk to you and share things with you and laugh with you, there are movies and paints waiting for you, this is a moment and moments pass. I’ve realised my hand would have always been empty, despite anyone’s hand clasping it, only I could have filled it’s emptiness. You should only ever ask for a little extra warmth that someone else’s hand can bring, not warmth that will replace the coldness of yours. No one’s hand can ever fit as perfectly into your hand as your own can. And now I don’t want anything that might ruin my cocoon, I feel like I’m riding a bike and I’m not holding onto the handles and the wind is blasting through my hair and the universe feels like it’s laughing and I’m filled to the brink with magic and that’s just how I like it! I like living on the thin line of reality and my own world! I like knowing it’s rather dumb to be in bed crying when there is a cheese cake out there waiting to be eaten! and a film waiting to be laughed at! and stories waiting to be heard! and people waiting to be met! and I like myself!

llile:

I’m not sure how long I have to stand with my back against this cupboard filled with things I wish were the ashes of my cigarettes
of things trying to burst open
and scathe my skin
and refill my veins with empty words and
empty promises
thank god I slipped fast through the hands of monster
and although I cry
at least I cry on a mountain of self love
I wish you never had the pleasure of ever getting to know me 

llile:

i ran across earth and slammed straight into the stratosphere

made of the glass that i pressed my hand against

i cried after the galaxies and worlds

that cried for the little girl on the other side

earth is the snow globe that sits on your desk

i hope your palms are forever stained with the remains of my chest

llile:

The point is i’ve always wanted to be invisible and sometimes i think i am, i think i’ve watched so many films and read so many books that i’ve tricked myself into thinking i am constantly the observer, the reader and the watcher. i forget that i am too apart of this
and sometimes i’ll be walking down the street and something will catch my attention like a conversation and i’ll stop and watch and listen and sometimes smile not realising what i am doing until someone tells me to hurry up. the point is i can so easily disappear. i can so easily run to the corner of the earth and hide by the sea and live as silently and peacefully as i want to.
the point is i know i should, but i don’t want to.
i’ve been silent for so long and i’ve been an introvert for so long and now i’m trying to do something bigger than i’ve ever been and it’s scaring me. and i wonder if it is worth it.
and the point is that if it wasn’t for films and books like anne frank’s diary that gave me my only real life hero. and fictional characters like georgia nicholson that had me laughing in stitches for weeks. and harry potter and spirited away and matilda. i’m not sure what i’d be like. and i’m not sure i’d want to be here as much as i want to and because of this all i want to do now is create a hero, a story. and give a little a girl a friend and i don’t think that is so bad. a hero that is so unapologetically herself because she is so dedicated to things she does. that talks about religion and politics without an ounce of fear that isn’t afraid to love or be alone and know she is entirely enough no matter what. i don’t want to be powerful. i don’t want success. i don’t want to be king. i have an imagination that has saved me countless times that has created worlds and stories and people that i’ve run to and if there is a chance that it might do the same for other people then im willing to give it a go. i don’t know what else to do here i really don’t. and i may as well be dead than get a typical 9 to 5 job and get married and have kids. I can’t save the world and I can’t stop wars but i have some stories that you might like.

llile:

because when i do i meet people like you
and i spend days thinking about you and i spend days hating myself for not talking to you,
i should never leave my house because when i do i fall in love with everyone

i haven’t ever seen or met someone i’ve wanted to write about until i met you, not until i saw your light brown hair and stubble and baby blue shirt,
not until we kept catching each others eyes looking at one another,
not until you started dancing manically to limp bizkit and my insides began to smile, not until we stood by each other for a while and i could feel your arm gently brushing against my back, not until i almost stepped on you and you started to laugh, not until you put your hand in a drink and wiped it on your friend’s shirt and we laughed into each other’s eyes.
and i’ve never wanted to write about someone before, I’ve always wanted to be the one written about but finally i want to be the writer and i’m scared of what that means. i’ve never felt someone’s sweetness and goodness as much as i felt yours. i’ve met a lot of people but i’ve never been greeted with gentleness. and when you drunkenly went around saying you wanted to be a kid forever i knew exactly what you meant. and i’m not sure if i’ll ever see you again, maybe in another year or years or never again, but i want to write full on cliché love poems, about how when i met you i felt a simpleness and quietness, like dust floating around sunlight streaming through a window and the smell of pancakes in the morning. about the need to make you coffee in the mornings, to fall asleep in your arms, to feel the beating of your heart against me, to feel the grip of your hand and the softness of your hair. and this is why i should never leave my house.
because when i do i temporarily fall in love with people and i always eventually forget about them but i’ve never written about one of them before and i wonder how long it will take me to forget about you.
and i’m secretly hoping that this time i don’t have to, and i’m hoping the universe stumbles upon this and reads it and thinks i am worthy enough of you and works it’s magic in the form of fate and coincidence or just conjures up another damn party.

or maybe you were nothing at all and i am just desperate, desperately trying to escape the scurf of yesterday.

llile:

Last night I cried for 5 hours straight until crying became painful
I reached out into the dark and found the hand of a boy that had eyes made of laughter that wiped the tears off my face and wrapped me up in piles of blankets and coats
but forgot to put my shoes on
we went outside and for the first time I really felt the world I was standing on
I curled my toes around the earth and we ran through the night with our arms in the air and our palms blasting stars into the sky, we found a hill and sat there until the sun rose
until I was able to rise into the air with my heart in one hand and laughter in the other
until I was able to swallow them both whole and smile again
someone once said optimism is two lovers walking into a sunrise hand in hand
at the first signs of life we went back home
the door slammed shut
and with a start I was back in the darkness of my room
my cheeks wet
and my hand still stretched out to find
no one there
Sometimes I catch myself holding my own hand
I spent the rest of that night in a story of a super hero
of a girl that likes to freeze time and walk up to cinema screens 50 feet high and place her hand on the screen of two lovers and whisper into the darkness love, love is the answer and the rest are in denial
that is when shouted at by teachers about the future about not working hard enough about not getting anywhere in life
that is when asked what are you going to do?
looks out the window and feels a blast of wind that gives her the strength to say
live.
she ignores the people that think she is strange, she ignores society and all of it’s commandments, she ignores the past and she ignores the future
she sings and dances
and has wild hair and mad eyes
her special power is her giant smile that says
my dear don’t be afraid to be happy you are not an idiot, you are a person that knows how to laugh, how to completely let go, do not let people bring you down to their level of sadness, rise into the air with all your sunshine and heart, you are what the sun is made of and you are smart and lovely and you have a big heart filled with stars and flowers and stories, you are kind and open minded and you are smart enough to know that being sad and serious means absolutely nothing on a speck of dust called earth
she dresses up in every colour of the rainbow and fills her backpack with pens and paper and flowers and stars
she throws glitter in the air made of abandoned dreams, that leaves trails along streets of the people they belong to and leaves notes on doorsteps that say it’s not too late
she likes to ride the train and what a sight to behold
among rows of grey silhouettes sits a rainbow
while people look at her with tired eyes she looks back at them with eyes that say there is magic out there
run to the sea in the middle of the night and scream at the stars and you’ll feel it
a girl of 12 peers past the grey faces and rainbow girl smiles her giant smile that says all it should, the little girl whispers thank you rainbow girl
she works in a book shop and likes to paint and once in a while she dresses up as a rainbow and tells society to go fuck itself

the 21st century is a 
blossoming romance and a curse of shyness
that began by not words spoken
but words typed
that entailed no touch of the skin just strokes of the mind and heart 
one that may never have began at all if it were not for machines 
do I thank these creations for ever letting it happen or do I curse them
and long for another century
how can you remember a voice that was never heard
a touch that was never felt
only words etched on a screen
this is a poem about the power of words and words alone
words I wish had never filled my cracks